She fills it in, he fills it in: why the figures don't say the same thing

10 November 2026 · 2 min read

On the French site, she carries 70% of the mental load on average when she takes stock alone, 45% when he does and 61% when they do it together. Nobody is lying: each of us sees our own work first, which is why it helps to fill it in together.

At the start of the questionnaire, the site asks who is filling it in: one of you, the other, or both together. The answer changes nothing in the calculation. It is there for the anonymous study, and it has given us one of the most striking results of the past few weeks.

Three figures for the same questions

These figures come from couples who used the French version of the site (quiypense.org), which opened before this English one. By 10 November 2026, more than 18,000 woman and man couples had taken stock there. Here is her share of the mental load, meaning the share of things to keep in mind, depending on who filled it in:

When she fills it in alone (12,270 couples): 70% on average. She carries more than half in 95% of cases.
When he fills it in alone (3,013 couples): 45%. She carries more than half in 43% of cases.
When they fill it in together (2,834 couples): 61%. More than half in 82% of cases.

A gap of 25 points between her and him, on the same questions. One word of caution before going further: these are couples who chose to come to the site, in France. It is not a representative survey of anyone, and certainly not of the UK. But the gap is too large to be a detail of method. It is the subject itself.

First explanation: they are not the same couples

These figures do not come from both members of one couple. They come from different couples. A man who decides on his own to fill in a questionnaire about the mental load may well live in a more balanced home than most. A woman who fills it in alone may be doing so because she feels swamped. Part of the gap comes down to who visits the site, and that is normal for a study made with volunteers.

Second explanation: each of us sees our own work first

The other part of the gap is better documented. The sociologist Allison Daminger interviewed 35 couples about what she calls the cognitive dimension of housework: noticing that something is needed, looking at the options, deciding, then checking that it has been done. Her conclusion is that this work is largely invisible, including to the person who benefits from it. You notice that the washing powder has run out, rarely who noticed it before you.

UK surveys show the same thing from another angle. In a YouGov poll published in August 2022, two thirds of women living with a male partner (66%) said the cleaning was mostly or entirely up to them. Among men, only 45% said their partner did most or all of it. Same homes on average, two different pictures.

Each of us has a complete view of what we do, and a partial view of what the other does. That is not bad faith. It is the very nature of a kind of work that consists of thinking about things before they can be seen.

Why the figure you reach together is the most useful

When a couple fills it in together, each task becomes a small conversation: who really thinks of it? One couple summed it up well in their feedback on the French site: a bit of friction over the answers, because they saw things differently, but in the end they agreed on every choice. The figure that comes out, 61%, is neither hers nor his. It is the one they both signed up to.

How to use it at home

Fill it in separately first, without looking at each other's answers. Then compare the two results: the tasks where you disagree are often the ones that weigh the most.
Then do it again together, task by task, agreeing each time. That result is the one to start from.
Don't try to work out who is right. A difference in perception is not a lie. It tells you something about what one of you doesn't see.

If you want to go further, our article on delegating without the thinking looks at what happens when one person does a task and the other still keeps it in mind, and talking about chores without a row gives a method for the conversation itself.

The result doesn't judge anyone. It shows, and what it shows depends on who is looking. That is a good reason to look at it together. You can take stock at home in about ten minutes, with no sign-up.